haishk...fasting evryday is kinda taking a toll on me...wat wif trying hard 2 study, n my gastric coming along...y muz i haf gastric? haix...neva relli did affect my puasa dis bad b4...skarg baru 5th day puasa...but i'm alredi having gastric..n it's making me lose hours n concentration 4 revision! saddening...i tink im gonna screw up my A levels..n it's A levels man...=/

so, ramadhan is here agn...sumhw i juz haf de feeling dat im nt dat prepared 4 it...but hopefully, i'll turn over a new leaf..oh wells...i better..

anw, i tink i'm such a grouch of late...making ppl around me bingit n stressed as well. i was practically shouting 2 evryone i talked wif yesterday...real sori 4 dat..=/ sumtimes, i honestly dun mean hw things sound like wen dey r out of my mouth...sori k?

hmms...anw, i had fun on thurs...juz chilling out wif my mates after prelims...at least i had a day of fun...oh wells...now...dere's only like 30+ days 2 a levels...i better spank myself if i dun study...haix...i muz study man...esp since sum1 is promising 2 gif me sumting if i do my bez..yay!

anw, i dun relli rmmbr y izit i've been wanting 2 update..so, cant exactly say much currently...so, 2 all muslims...SELAMAT BERPUASA!

2day was i tink my 1st time feeling truely disappointed aft a hml paper....i totally dunno hw but i misread de qn n answered in a totally different manner!!! n datz 10 marks gone!!! haix...

anw, 2day was cool! went 2 airport 2 chill aft chem paper n do some work b4 hml paper. yepz, my 1st time gg 2 popeye's...whee~ haha...but de cool thing was dat we actually watched popeye cartoons while eating our meal...so fun!!! i tink im gg airport 2 study more often....perhaps bulan puase or sumting? d atmosphere is juz nice...oh wells...=)

anw, im rather disappointed dat dere's no terawih at perdaus...esp wen dere's no changes made 2 our timetable which means wen we get released, it's alredi time isyak so nak kejar kat masjid or wherever cam nomatter wat will b late ah....wattodo...

n i'm looking forward 2 2moro...chilling out aft prelims...

man...abt 5 more wks till A levels...can any1 save me?

i honestly need 2 get a grip on myself...apparently, my brain is getting totally out of sorts...guess it was a bad thing dat i had 2 go home alone coz aft i left sch, i msged my mum 2 kol me...dunno y i felt dat way but appparently, i relli needed sum1 2 tok 2 n i tot hearing my mum's voice wd relli, relli help. she didnt call me, let alone send a reply. so, i dunno...i juz kinda terase hati n i totally suddenly din feel like gg hme...so, i was juz tinking dat perhaps i shd gif her some time...so, i decided 2 go tamp lib. rd a bk coz my brain totally needed some rez. den, it was alredi 6.30. still no call n i was down in de dumps. so, decided 2 kol up a fren tho sumhw i juz had de feeling it wdnt help. n it didnt coz my fren was bz. sumhw, i gt toally upset n decided not 2 pick up any more calls. didnt know wat 2 do n so i burst into tears at de bustop. i juz put my head down coz i got a seat at de busstop n i juz started crying. den, after i felt ok, i decided 2 try one more person...tried msging a fren...waited 10 mins n i juz cdnt take it anymore...no reply so...i switched off my hp.

n so, i decided nt 2 go home. went 2 tamp lib n grabbed another bk. stayed till abt 7.35. n i was feeling tired. i totally needed a gd nite's slp. so, reasoned out myself 2 go home. finally. caught de bus n den i started crying on de way hme agn. wat's wrong wif me? i tink i need 2 c a psychiatrist or sumting. totally. coz i am gg crazy. hw many times haf i cried dis wk?

den, managed 2 rez a bit in de bus. was feeling miserable. wondering if anyone missed me. so, i managed 2 reach home at 8.30. no one even said hi 2 me. my mum was in her rm tgh solat. so, i guess no one tried 2 contact me aft all. if nt wdnt dey b worried y i msged at 6 n reach hme at 8.30? y doesnt anyone seem 2 care anymore?

i took out de tilam n went straight 2 slp. with my uniform n jacket still on. cried myself to slp. n yea, i din eat dinner. actually nt even a proper lunch. breakfast was juz a slice of bread i tink. lunch was plain waffle n a snickers bar. n i was hungry. but no one asked anw.

dis wk has been a totally maddenning week. my brain is juz overworked. have been having 2 papers almoz evryday. n yesterday? abt 3 papers sort of. physics paper 1, physics paper 2 n hml paper 2.

tho it was a wonder hw i cd answer my hml qn. tot i wd b leaving at least a section blank.oh wells... all in all, dis has been a totally horrible wk. i juz hope it doesnt continue.

i'm feeling so utterly miserable wif myself dat i almoz wished it was possible 2 start life anew at some place new. at least den, i can try 2 find myself, n build up a sturdy character without anybody's influence. haix...i tink i need a counsellor.

as seconds tick, as minutes pass, as days go by...

haix...monday is prelims...my revision is perhaps as gd as none. gr8.

u know dere r times....many, many times, wen i tink i made stupid choices....stupid choices coz i know i shdnt do it but i still do it in d end. i cant say i'm stupid coz de fact is i aint stupid. i'm blessed wif a brain dat working juz fine. so, y do i still make these choices???

everyday, i'm being reminded of how much Allah loves me such dat dere r times wen i feel like I dun deserve Allah's love. wat haf i done to return Allah's love for me. HE never gives up on me. even tho i've done soo many mistakes....i shd feel blessed. n i shd stop making mistakes den. nw, i almoz wish i'm perfect.

i juz do not know wat else to say...i feel like i'm in a dilemma...i'm torn apart...i honestly do not know at i shd do..or mayb i juz refuse to listen to my heart.

dere r so many times dat i feel like juz giving my life up...but i cant coz i'm a Muslim. wat a thing 2 say...but i know deep in my haert i dun wanna end life...i want 2 c my future...get hold of my dreams...but at de same time...it's like evrything dat keeps running around in my brain, evrything dat tugs at me, evrything dat i'm constantly thinking off is driving me crazy at de same time i'm still sane enuff 2 not make me go crazy. get wat i mean? n dis makes me feel so helpless n confused.

so, tell me...wat shd my nxt step be?

y muz i go to a university??? i've asked myself dis qn countless of times dis yr. n i realised dat im gg dere juz bcoz it was a route i had 2 follow. i mean...wen i was young, dere was juz no qualms on wat route to take. i was supposed 2 go pri sch, sec sch, jc den uni. but do i relli want 2 b dere? i wish i cd study bcoz i want 2 study. i wish i cd b passionate abt studying like how tokoh2 agama dulu semua memajukan sains n wat not.

but no. i'm juz a useless bum wif no aim in her life for studies....sum1 who ironically wants 2 b a teacher.

y cant i juz gif up?

temptations r juz so hard 2 resist. sighs.

haix...onli a few more days till prelims...n de schdeule totally rox my socks..NOT. haix...sumhw, for de 1st time, hml paper 2 is b4 hml paper 1. n datz de worst coz dere's so many components to blaja for paper 2 n we haf like loadsa time 2 study for paper 1 which u can score a decent grade without studying. haix...y oh y?

anw, my hopes for a decent grade for all my subjects are totally dashed. i'm nt even confident of hml dis time round. like dere's dis amt of time...n den dere's de whole prob of my attitude...haix...i wish i was naturally hardworking. dat will totally solve a big problem.

oh wells...4 nw, *shrugz* we'll juz c my grades.

haix...i tink i make myself think too much abt soo many things...i'm feeling so pressured! i so easily breakdown n cry these days...not to mention getting aangry at everyone around me. plus i keep on keeping things within myself tho i knw it's nt gd.

i love organising things but dis is definitely one activity dat i feel like backing out of organising. it's juz too much...i wish i can juz lepaskan de tanggungjawab....but i feel mean to let kak shafa shoulder evrything herself esp since shez taking a levels dis yr too...n to give up de responsibilty to my other clazmates....i'm nt sure who is de best candidate...n almoz evryone's taking o levels dis yr. haishk.

den....well, loadsa of things haf been happening...like, on fri, went 2 study wif khai...managed 2 understand sajak component. now left 5 other components if u count bahasa paper in. den, fri nite...went bowling...ade competition...family-based. i was kinda ok for de 1st game but i totally bombed de 2nd game....so many gutter balls n made me leave de bowling centre in disappointtment. i relli felt so down seh...

den, yesterday, went to perdaus late. haishk, a pinch out of my marks alredi for not coming punctually. i had 2 b late on de 1st day dey start to take note of things. gr8. but anw, met my ustazah n ustaz frm darul furqan. oh, n raiyyan, my ex-clasmate at wisma indah. whoa, he actually rmmbrd me. n he was asking loadsa qns smlm...padahal, dulu kiteorg tak pernah berbual. den, i oso met noorjahan. a wonder she rmmbrd my full name coz we juz took muis psle 2geder but i dun tink we talked 2 each other.

anw...i'm intrested 2 join darul furqan youth club but oh wells...not too sure if im gg 2 de workshop dis wed. seems so intruding amidst my revision. haix.

n i keep on tinking dat u're angry at me. isit juz me?

oh wells....n so many ppl not joing my madrasah claz yahoogrp. esp de guys. it's juz so frustrating to alias evryting. hate everything. eargh!

oh ya, n i'm still having loadsa conflicts wif my ownself. so yea, dat shd complete all dat i'm stressed abt i tink.

prelims is one wk away. wat haf i done?