haish...sumtimes i relli wonder y i bother 2 lend things 2 ppl. now, my scissors i gone. stapler is gone. staples oso gone. juz bcoz i lent it 2 ppl. gr8. n 2 think my stationery be it wateva r d moz precious things 2 me. i happen treasure my stationery. i feel so lost without one thing. haix...sadness of it all. kindness...u get...hmms...

oh wells...anw, 2day was kinda a bad day. kept on sneezing all de way from claz 2 claz. used up quite a lo of tissue. n i was so desperate at wdlnds lib dat i actually took a long piece of toilet paper...so it cd laz me thruout de time i was dere. n i tink d aircon juz made it much worse ah. aishk. y flu?? n d irony is dat...we had temperatur taking in de morning. haha. oh apparently, my mum's thermometer not working so i faked a temperature...datz 4 lying...u fall sick...punishment...

so, moral of the story. dun lie.

n i shall get some rez n consider studying for SPA. aishk.

tpjc carnival cum open house. success?

personally, i'm nt sure wat 2 say. de turnout din seem 2 b fantastic or anything of dat sort. i seemed 2 haf seen more tpjcians milling around than ppl from outside. which of coz is rather saddenning. esp aft all de hard work dat evryone had put in..yea...plus my frenz din even cum 2 gif their support...so much 4 their ok. only sharifah de bday gal came n she had 2 lose her camera. wat's wrong wif tpjc?

anw, i wd like 2 oso say sorry 2 evryone whom i snapped at yesterday or scolded or wateva lah. i realised now dat wen i get angry, moz of de time is i'm actually juz real angry at myself. n i relli regret wat i did at de carnival. i wished i had not been so wishy washy n stayed firm. i hate having regrets. n i keep on thinking n thinking abt it. plus i oso made shafirah angry.

basically. i came a lil late ah. supposed 2 report at 8.30 but i came at abt 9 instead. den, evrything went on fine till i realised dat i din haf enuff time 2 finish up de posters. idiot. den, some ppl started coming in n all. so, i was helping farhana xplain her xperiment n den i xplained mine. den wen varun was not at his coloured shadow booth, i oso tried xplaining wat i rmmbr from how varun xplained it. anyhow, at abt 10.30 sharifah came n i went out 2 meet her ah. managed 2 leave her wif khai so i went back 2 my booth 2 help farhana. den vanessa was like missing de whole time ah. i din c her. she claimed 2 haf done publicity 4 our booth at d end of de day-ironic sia. she was not at her booth at all.

so, den me n farhana stayed till abt lunchtime n i was like real hungry alredi...starting 2 get headache from breathing onli de lt air. so, went 2 de canteen beli mkn kejap. den came back 2 our booth. xplain xplain agn n wat not...den cant rmmbr wat time but farhana ajak me go out coz she say she cannot take it alredi. n i was penat ah n pissed off coz not evryone was doing their duty plus dere was one pt of time, many ppl were in de lt n making so much noise i couldnt xplain 2 my audience properly. i relli wonder wat ppl's impression of tpjc was. so freaking irritated at dem. oh n managed 2 find out how 2 work vanessa's experiment coz varun tried it out. so, i showed d audience dat as well coz i tot it was an experiment worth watching.

basically, i left the booth wif farhana. EVEN THO I WAS FEELING BAD. like farhana kept on saying she din care anymore coz she was pissed off but actually i wasnt 2 de point of not caring yet. i wanted my booth 2 b a success. i wanted 2 b at my booth at all times, so much as i want 2 visit other booths, i oso wanted ppl 2 come 2 my booths. n i relli, hate myself now 4 leaving de booth. coz me n farhana was out 4 very long. n wen we came back, a short while later we went out agn 2 buy food. den, bile balik, dah kene pack up n all n shafirah was super mad alredi. ice creams had 2 b given away. y? coz there was no one at all the booths bsides varun, 2 ask qns n 2 give out tokens. n i was freakingly mad at myself 4 leaving de booth. yes.

so...i dunno wattodo but tpjc open house did not leave a great feeling 2 me. coz wat i did was wrong. shafirah has all the right 2 b mad at me. even tho farhana was telling me dat actually shafirah was oso roaming abt. but my argument in me is. so wat? SO WAT IF OTHERS WENT OUT? i shd haf known my OWN RESPONSIBILITIES n stayed in the lt. no matter wat, i'm very much at fault. compared 2 de fun i had 2 a certain xtent, my regret is bigger. hence, overall...i dono wat 2 say abt d open hse. in my opinion i did a terrible job even tho i had de passion 2 man my booth properly. HAD the passion. amal doesnt know how 2 think 4 herself. wat an idiot.

yay! amal scored a goal 4 basketball 2day!!! whee~ hahakz...even tho i dun like de sport...

ishk...i relli need 2 watch my eating seh...i've not been eating properly....=/

anw, yay! i'm happy 2day! hahakz....bsides ionic equilibria dat is..

yea, plus we had preparations 4 carnival tadi...gerek ah! tapi kecoh giler...hahakz...

n yea, i'm looking 4ward 2 working wif u...=) coz u're gonna get bullied or so i tink...

anw, hmms....we'll juz c how evrything goes 2moro....

i truly hope dat tpjc carnival will be a fun blast n an impact 2 all those who will b coming. yea. tpjc carnival rocks! i'm sooo excited!!! hahakz... but oops...i've not started on my posters yet....kla, shd start doing dem...tata!

yea, de day i had no time 2 update had 2 b my birthday. heh.

anw, many, many thanx 2 ALL my frenz who made me very, very happy yesterday. honestly, i juz felt dat de thank-yous i said were juz not enuff. seriously, my 1st bday sed dpt presents banyak jugak ah...plus u ppl splurge money on those presents, plus twas not celebrated as in adekan bday party so ppl wd feel compelled 2 buy presents kan? i relli wasnt expecting much. so, cam, terkejut ah jugak. but nevertheless, i luv evryone's gifts. so, basically, another big thank-you from me 2 all.

hmms....lagi ape i nak ckp eh? tadi cam byk gitu.

oh ya, i tink jc life has been a thoroughly wonderful experience. n i feel dat frenships made at dis time is like very kukuh. sumhow. u know... anw, i relli feel loved by my frenz. u know, i used 2 b real insecure abt frenships n all...but now, i relli do feel treasured. so, yea, thank u my dear frenz...=)

kla, i cant tink of wat more i wanted 2 say. serious tak ingat. so....tata dulu! nitez!

heyy evryone...hmms...i can onli b on de comp till 9.30 coz pastu kene sambung blaja chemistry...besok test...yupz.

anw, 1st of all, i'll talk abt yesterday...=)

so, smlm, went 2 Sree Narayana Mission Home for the Aged. yupz. tho it may sound indianish...de ppl dere r mozly chinese. anw, me n farhana brought food dere. farhana brought mee n i brought cookies n kuih keswi...however u spell it...yupz. n mrs ting bought 2 cakes. 1st of all, we were splitted up ah...6 of us were 2 go 2 another place at marsiling for some SHARE program thing. b4 dat, all of us were given a brief orientation by d volunteers dere.

our first event was bingo. n we had 2 go 2 all 3 levels of de home 2 find elderly who r intrested 2 play de game. wow. daniel was like so persuasive. he relli talked 2 d old folks n tried 2 persuade dem 2 go down 2 de canteen. anw, 90% of d old folk dere were wheelchair-bound. yea.

anw, bingo. shyam came late with de readymade papers with numbers. doinkz him. but twas quite cool. i was in-charge of dis old lady whom evryone calls mummy. yea. heh. she was rather sharp n all. knew wat numbers were being called n all. i felt so paisey...missed de numbers twice!!! argh. i was nervous... but anw, she couldnt really talk coz it takes a lot of her energy 2 speak up so..yea...

den dere was dis old man who was kinda cute ah...n he could speak in mly n farhana was like layan-ing him. he was relli very friendly. =)

hmms...den, wen bingo was 2wards d end, me n farhana went off 2 siapkan de food. scooped up mee onto plates n all. lepas mkn, we had dis singing therapy session. zhe wei played d guitar whilst d rez of de claz sang de songs...fun!! haha...n some of d old folk enjoyed our singing...

hmms...den, came dinner time. since we were at a nursing home, dere were some elderly dat couldnt eat demselves hence dey needed help ah. so, volunteers wd help 2 feed dem. me n farhana stood by dis old mly lady...n i tink while we were feeding her, she kinda cried...as in tears came 2 her eyes. relli tersentuh hati ah...

plus, sum of dem r tied 2 the wheelchairs coz dey're very active so, de nurses takut diorg jatuh. n we got approached by 2 of dem who wanted us 2 take off de tali 4 dem. relli cam soo...serba salah ah. cam we cant do it but at de same time we feel so kesian...=/

anw, twas relli a learning experience ah gg dere. oh ya, i was also approached by dis man...he was wheeling his fren abt. apparently, kwn dier anak dagang ah den had an accident n had no one. so, he was put at de hme. i tink he's quite lucky tho 2 haf a fren like dat man who comes quite often, helps him 2 eat n all...yea..

oh, ya, den after their dinnertime, my clazmates tucked in 2 de leftover food...whee~ n guess wat? apparently dere was one whole cake left over so...erms...dey decided 2 celebrate my bday n another volunteer. so, yea...had some sorta bday celebration...*grinz*

so den, after debrief, we all had a grp photo wif de volunteers as well. by de time dah kul 6.30 n i had decided not 2 go perdaus...nasib baik....kalau tak imagine ah dgn buku2, baju, ape semue...sampai perdaus pun klaz dah nak habis....

hmms........n i've not finished studying...so, i gtg now...yupz...till...nxt time! or shd b 2moro ah since im not sleeping over at my aunt's hse 2moro. =) bye2!

boo! hello.....hmms....=)

anw, i juz finished de chem online quizzes. aishk...sadness...cant do a lot of qns. grrtz....blum blaja. i muz blaja polymers, chem kinteics ngan chem equilibria as well as refresh nitrogen compounds agn.

ah...common tez schedule dah kluar. im gonna haf 2 mug 4 mlep 1st...haix...amat menyedihkan...byk seh nak kene blaja...hope i can maintain a gd grade...=(

anw, ya, 2day ade service learning n it ends at 5.30. i'm like starting 2 reconsider gg 2 madrasah...penat seh...kejar2 dari sini ke sana. n yishun 2 bedok is not very near ah...so, i'll reach bdk at abt7? or coming 2 7pm. hmms....haix...n plus i hafta bawa buku2 perdaus n clothes 2 change in2 coz my claz service learning ic insisted we wear de class jersey. aishk.

ohhh...plus im bringing cookies 2 de sri narayana mission home so, imagine me bringing my normal madrasah bag plus mayb another plastic bag containing my clothes n tudung n another bag containing de cookies dat i was asked 2 bring. nasib baiklah tempat tu kat yishun. tapi tak nasib baik pulak perdaus kat bedok. argh!!! oh, n after perdaus, i hafta drop by my nenek's hse coz my family will b dere.

ohh...btw, yesterday my mum was telling me sumting ah. shall not mention coz im not supposed 2 let my siblings know. but relli, if wat my mum sed is supposed 2 b my bday present...datz sooo fun!!! whee~ haha...

chemistry. im gonna study. i will study. n i'm intrested 2 study.

physics. help me somebody. coz im starting 2 lose faith in physics.

now, i shd get ready 4 dis long day. so, yea...till 2moro?

whee~ i'm home!!! like datz amazing coz im like usually still in sch. =) tadi mlep ended like abt 3. coz cikgu faten wasnt feeling well. n ya, cikgu faten took over our mlep lesson 2day coz cikgu samsiah wanted d arts grp 2 do their sajak tez. yupz.

anw, khai sent me back 2 de doorstep...isnt dat soooo sweet of her? hehe....takdelah...she wanted my chem tys. but nevertheless...it's gr8 2 haf khai wimme while gg back hme. taklah ku keseorangan. kan khai? *smilez*

oh yea, n on de way hme, i realised dat dere's another change abt me ive not mentioned...i used 2 relli care abt wat ppl think of me but nowadays...i dun relli bother dat much. yupz.

n so...datz de story 4 2day. oh. i left my waterbottle outside my aunt's hse on de shoe rack. how pandai is dat? im sure my aunt wd b wondering siapelah org yg letak waterbottle kat shoe rack dier. oh wells.

oh ya, bsk i ade service learning. so i'll b gg perdaus late. my mum's supposed 2 b supplying cookies!!! whee~ haha...

alrite...time 2 go...oh n i hurt my finger coz of basketball...but playing basketball wif de galz in my claz is rather fun since dere's onli 8 of us...tapi...penat gilerrr! hmms...n ya...i am gg off now. heh. bye2!

ah~i'm finally home agn...i tink home wd b like an awaited place from now on...hmms...i'm still wondering...whether i shd spend my bday at home...coz mon is usually a day i wd sleep at my aunt's hse...hmms...tapi cam geng deng ah my bday tak jumpe family...hmmss...

anw, yay!!! i'm home! heh...trust amal 2 b excited 2 b home...=) oh yea, so...let's c.....dere's like a gazillion things dat i wanted 2 blog abt since like a long time ago. sighs...how i wish bsk takde skola...skarg ni rase cam as if it's not a sch nite. hehe...coz slalunye i'm asleep by now...nilah padah ade computer...i will use de comp instead of sleep or study.

la di da~ spending a day wif khai....
i spent de d afternoon aft sch wif khai 2day. happyhappyhappy. such a long time since i relli sat down wif her or even study wif her. den i realised like dere's relli many things dat i dun quite mention 2 her...so, we kinda caught up a bit wif each other. plus i revised nitrogen compounds agn. whee~ kalau masih tak ingat pape...haix...serious nasib ah...

so, anw, twas my 1st time gg 2 wdlnds point. hahakz...khai was like...kau tak pernah gi sini? haix...kesiannye hidupku....apelah yg ku buat selame ku hidup ni ye?

oh yea, i had physics tez 2day. haix...i'm freaking horrible at physics lah..dunno how 2 study....so, erms...i gave up halfway. tu ah..pandai sgt. lepas tu ah...buat tez tak cukup markah utk pass pun. nampak sah my answers pun tak semue yg betul so, conclusion..paham2 je lah. fail rabak. oh wells. i tink im used 2 dat. BAD. amal is not supposed 2 gif up.

aishk. i lost my fighting spirit. which brings me 2 de subject of change. was talking 2 khai abt it in de bus on de way 2 wdlnds. yea. basically, frm laz yr till now, i've relli changed a lot. n change means drastic changes n not juz change...i mean twas rather gradual...i mean de change din all come at one go...but as time passes by, i relli c myself being very different now. indeed as sum1 put it, i used 2 b much more cheerful n all. n i agree. i used 2 think dat i was a cheerful gal. who loves 2 smile n all...but now...kirim salam 2 dat thought. n i used 2 b very, very talkative. need verification? ask khai. i used 2 talk 2 her on anything under the sun. abt me, my feelings, my life, my frenz, my conversations...literally juz aniting under the sun n i used 2 live in de past a lot...daydream a lot...n i dunno...i juz lived in a fantasy world of my own. as how sum1 else put it. now, hmm...now...i bottle up things a lot n build tension in myself...mcm maner lah i tak senang marah? tension byk sgt....

in other ways...well, i can c dat i'm trying 2 put in some effort to my studies like...i do try more ah dis yr..but of course it's not enough...n nowhere near sufficient yet. i need more n more effort. n well, i cry less easily now. which is not dat gr8 for me coz one of my outlets in releasing my tension is 2 cry n so by not crying, i'm juz accumulating more n more tension in me. n i freaking hate de feeling of how things seem 2 drive me crazy but at de same time, i know i've not gone bonkers n still haf dat little bit of capacity to withstand dat craziness tho i juz feel like i'm alredi at my breaking pt. haix...susahlah nak xplain.

n so...wat else? well, wateva itis, i know i've changed a lot. oh n i've oso learnt 2 let go of de past. i dun go back 2 often now. i seldom do actually. n yea, i now live in reality, in some sort. how i wish life was much simpler.

oh, n a scary thing...i feel as if i'm trying 2 block a lot of ppl out of my lives...seriously...if i continue trying 2 avoid evryne, i'll end up wif no frenz...but i juz cant help de feeling. i feel like people r trying 2 suffocate me or sumting, so my reaction is to push them away. as simple as dat.

haix...n i feel so bad n petty coz of some things...well, u c, i juz feel stressed out dat people make comments dat r moz usually true n kinda laugh at me in a way. well, i know in moz times, it's not meant 2 offend. but the tone of de voice may b hurtful. n k, fine, i tried my bez not 2 take heed of the comments. relli, i tried..i tried ignoring...but wat do u do wen sum1 is almoz always wif u such dat u cant juz ignore de person...or like wen dere's frequent comments...it kinda juz accumulates in me n after a while i juz cant take it anymore....wat do i do den? explode in front of de person? i'm relli trying not 2 explode. patience...argh...it's torture.

oh yea, dat's another change...i used 2 juz take things...get hurt for dat moment...dat day...wateva...n 4get abt it by de nxt wk or sumting...but now...i cant....wen i try 2 ignore...den like, it's still in me u know...n wen de comment gets repated or overtaken by another comment...it juz feels argh...

oh ya, n how wd u feel wen u dun usually pay attn in lectures n tutorials n wen u finally do, sum1 juz comes n borrow ur notes 2 copy coz dat person tak pay attn....do u know how heart-wrenching i feel weneva i haf 2 lend sumone my notes...dat i painstakingly ried staying awake? man...i feel bad 2 say no but relli, wen i do not copy notes...i feel so freaking malu 2 ask from ppl...even the person closest 2 me....n if i haf incomplete notes, well, d only person 2 blame is me. but oh yea...people can juz copy from me wen i was trying hard 2 pay attn. haixx....perhaps i'm making a big molehill out of nothing but i relli need 2 let it out of my system wat i relli am feeling. i relli feel bad at times by feeling dis way coz i feel so selfish...but relli....i hardly stay awake for a full lecture or tutorial. datz a pengakuan. a fact.

i need vitamins.

so, wat else can i say? its 10.51pm n im feeling sleepy. cant think of wat more 2 say or complain. but after all, i'll haf 2moro, saturday, n sunday 2 still blog. =) yea. i luv u blogspot. heh. nitez all!

aishk...it's relli depressing not being able 2 blog so often now. esp from monday 2 wednesday..coz i'm not at hme. yea. n wen i relli need 2 pour out my feelings, well, dere's one less outlet. an outlet which i relli utilise. boo.

anw, i managed 2 cover nitrogen compounds n only nitrogen compounds smlm. haix...n dere's a physics fac tez on thurs. im so pandai go n study 4 chem. bez. nitrogen compounds...by the looks of it, it's not even kukuh. not ingrained 2 my brain yet. sighs. studying is a lot of work. i still do not understand de term study smart. dat phrase has always been alien 2 me.

n i relli gotta go n solat subuh now. gotta get ready 4 sch...tata! till i blog agn hopefully on thurs...=)

*sighs* im soooo frustrated wif myself. it seems 2 me dat these days, i've juz been sleeping soo much wen de time i spent sleeping could b used 2 do other fruitful things such as studying or doing homework or catching up wif my work in claz. im such a freaking lazybum. yea, n it's 4 am n i'm awake. dun tink wow. im awake at dis time wen i juz complained ive been sleeping too much coz apparently i juz woke up from an 8-hour long sleep. argh! n wen i alredi planned 2 study 4 4 hours at nite. grrrrrr.

ok2, so, 2 cut things short. i'm juz irritated at myself for not being able 2 priritise things well, not having dat sense of urgency, not having dat discipline(coz i watched tv a lot yesterday) plus i juz wasted one whole day of no madrasah day wen dere could haf been so many thingsdat can b done in one day of no going out. yes.

n now, i relli gotta start on my work. bye2.