*cries*

i juz typed out a freaking long post n it's gone. fat hope of making me think thru all de way agn. *sighs* y muz dis happen?

was watching APM!!! ingatkan mcm malas nak tgk ah. so, i watched a bit a bit ah. den, mmg nak tgk taufik nyanyi. 1st came ello. den taufik. man...i luv his dance moves. =) he rox! hahakz. leapas tu, wen mawi nyanyi alredi, den at his 2nd song, taufik joined in!!! *screamz* hahakz...n taufik can sing better than mawi i feel. taufik nyanyi menusuk kalbu! heh. almoz cair. =) taufik rox!

hmms....anw, studying at macs yesterday was gr8! really, wonderfully fun-filled n fruitful. I luv my study grp. =) let's make it permanent yea? maths rox! tho i still gotta catch up on some topics. whee~

*blows kisses to everybody* even tho life is so complex, u people make life wonderful amidst its complexity. my frenz....u guys will forever b imprinted in my heart. relli.

*stares into space*

*sighs*

*stares into space summore*

i juz dunno wat 2 comprehend.

i juz dunno wat 2 say.

*sighs again*

sooo....a few days have passed since my last entry rite? n i was supposed 2 b working hard but i havent. datz to say honestly. for example yesterday, i was slacking 4 practically de whole day!

now...wat have i accomplished? onli gp. pathetic seh. i've done 12 out of 25 reading logs and i'm at d 18th wk of 1100 words. out of 35. n datz abt all dat i've done out of my long list. n it's alredi thursday. i tink i'm in dreamland if i tink i'll b able 2 finish evrything up by sunday.

2day ade bengkel pidato. from 8-5.30pm. yea. so, basically i'm screwed n dere'll b no reward 4 me on mon, wen sch reopens. n 2 think i was looking 4ward 2 it. sighs. serve me rite. now, gotta rush 4 mlep. bengkel pidato. oh, n i'm pengacara agn! haha..yea, tata!

i was on a very bad behaviour 2day. i deserve a slap on de face. yea, datz it. i do.

1st of all. spent my morning at klaz ngaji ah. went off at 8+ came back at abt 11 coz i fetched my lil bro frm andalus. so den, slack...read berita minggu, mkn, duduk2 ntah buat ape...den solat zuhur. lepas tu, ngantuk, went 2 slp at 2.10. so, set alarm at 2.40. woke up, still tired, so, slept agn. den, woke a few times AFTER dat, n slept agn at all de times i woke up. freaking irritating. dat was not supposed 2 b de case lah. i'm supposed 2 lepaskan ngantuk den buat kerja. idiot seh. so, pastu, woke up abt 4.30, solat asar, den slack lagi. rabak seh.

ohh den mase ptg, hmm...my mum was like nagging at all of us. n guess wat i did? evrytime my mum says sumting, i'll b commenting on wat she sed. freaking rude gal. not onli dat i was practically shouting at her a lot lah. a wonder she din slap me. or scold me 4 wat i did. i'm such an idiotic ass. den, being mum, she offered me chicken wing while i was eating dinner. man, i almoz cried. den, being de idiot i am, after dinner, she was asking abt ngaji claz n i had 2 raise my voice at her agn ah. i had to rite? argh!

so, punishment 2 self 4 sleeping from abt 2-4.30 tadi ptg, i'll sleep at abt 1.30 am 2 do work.

n sumtimes, i juz wonder y ppl dun hate me.

i relli felt like shouting seh kat rumah tadi. was relli bingit wen my mum started 2 say things abt dis n dat. i almoz felt like not going back home. relli, i felt dat way. donch u juz think dat i'm such an ass who doesnt even appreciate my mum properly?

oh, n yesterday, i started feeling like i dun wanna go 2 a university. i juz felt dat way. no clear reasons. so, now...one less factor 2 motivate myself 2 work hard. sumhow, i've neva relli strongly wanted 2 go 2 a university. one of de reasons y my aim was 2 go dere was simply bcoz i go wif de flow. i neva felt strongly abt gg 2 a uni b4. *shrugz*

anw, i'm off 2 do some proper work now. bye.

i 4got wat i wanna say. boo.

yesterday. i went 2 nus open house. got a balloon. so, i decided 2 bring home de balloon coz i know my youngest sis wd luv de balloon. so, from nus, i went 2 my madrasah, n from my madrasah i went home. wif de balloon. was kinda a lil embarrassed actually but anw, i made it home safely. heh. so, de 1st qn dat i was greeted wif at de door was from my youngest sis, nurul huda. she asked," kak, balloon tu utk siape?" den wen i sed it was for her she was like so happy but like pretending dat she was mcm biase2 je. coz she was sking me sumting like y im giving de balloon to her...de balloon is special n watnot. but oh man...wen i gave de balloon to her she relli was very happy! it relli made it so worthwhile 4 me 2 go thru de trouble of bringing it around singapore. n she was like telling evryone in de house dat i gave dat balloon to her. =)

n even tho dat may sound like i am a gd sis, in actual fact i'm not. dis is juz some of the things i do like once in a blue moon. *sighs* oh wells.

n now i shall go n siap 4 claz ngaji. shd b able 2 reach dere by 8. yea.

Dere's dis little monster in me raging, begging for it 2 b let out. It's trapped and pounding on all four walls, trying to find its way out, with many shouts and screams being left unheard. The walls are soundproof after all.

*sighs* I'm heartbroken.

N sumhow, i'm starting to hate dislike a lot of people. I'm getting fed-up easily. weirdly enuff tho, i've been rather successful at controlling my anger. like i try not to talk too much wen i know i mite blow up. i try to leave de scene if sum1 is making me angry. or even...sleep like wat i did juz now. i juz cant believe dat i'm actually avoiding people. i juz feel soo...eargh! words juz cant describe how i feel.

March-one wk of no sch-started.

note dat i din say march holidays. y? coz it's not fit 2 b called a holiday. datz y.

now, dis is wat i have to do during dis so called break:-

#go my aunt's house to retrieve my notes
#go universities' open house
#Perdaus
#ngaji claz
#go KL/Kota Tinggi
#TPJC Carnival meeting
#TPJC Carnival demo testing
#Do corrections for all essay + compre assignments(GP)
#Fill in errors checklist(GP)
#25 Simplified reading logs(GP)
#16 reading logs(GP)
#1100 words-do till 35th wk(GP)
#Prepare for Vocab quiz(GP)
#Prepare for current affairs quiz based on nxt wk's news(GP)
#Prepare for presentation on Gulf War 1 & 2(GP)
#Prepare for Chem faculty tez (4 topics)
#Prepare for Physics faculty tez (6 topics)
#Prepare for Maths faculty tez (4 topics)
#Maths holiday Assignment
#Chemistry online quiz
#Learn periodicity(self-study topic-Chem)
#HML tutorial
#Read keluarga gerilya(HML)
#Read SM(HML)
#prepare tutorials for when sch reopens
#study for Chem and Physics SPA
#prepare AC tutorial-Physics(will be presenting one qn in claz)
#complete all overdued maths assignments
#Rest loads
#Go bowling/Watch movie
#CRY

i tink my GP teacher is crazy. i hate her. gif us so much work. as if we dun get work for other subjects. she makes me freaking stressed out! relli, i juz dunno how 2 start.

oh, n i tot i was gonna b facilitator for bengel pidato. however, my name was not on the list. so, wat does dat mean? i so hate it dat evrytime i agree to sumting, in d end i end up not doing coz sumhow sum1 will fill in de job. am i relli dat redundant in mlep? it hurts. seriously. i do feel left out. n now i'm announcing it 2 de world k? coz, i juz dun wanna care anymore. one of de reasons y i dun hang out in mlep rm is juz dat i feel left out wen im dere. like wat's de pt of me being dere? i feel as if i haf no frenz. like juz now, was pengerusi majlis for bahas finals. had a few hours to kill since it started at 4.30. i kept on gg in n out of mlep rm. i so totally din know wattodo. i felt so restless. so in d end, i spent my time at de lib. i dun feel belonged at mlep. so, datz my reason for not participating much in mlep activities.

i tink i'm gonna join dk. coz i miss it. n i need an outlet 2 destress. i feel as if i'm keeping things inside me. haish....i can smile. i can laugh. but at times, i juz cant bear being me. haix...i juz cant xplain my feelings. n i shd go 2 slp now. evryone's aslp.

yea. nitez.

aishk...i'm gonna fail yet another test 2moro. i kinda juz gave up 2 even study 4 de vocab tez. it's vocab n im assuming dat at least half de claz will fail as well.

haish...as school holz come near, i juz feel like i shdnt b slacking anymore. it's time 2 get serious wif work. at least 4 dis past few wks, i'm quite contented dat i have bee making some effort in my studies. like keeping up wif physics n chem tutorials, doing mlep hmewk, studying 4 de physics topical test tho i doubt i'll pass. i juz need 2 keep dis up n improve myself more n more. yupz.

belief. neva stop believing. faith.

oh wells, i guess i shall go off now. nitez!

hmm..it's kinda amazing how i've been surviving my 3 days in sch wif my pencil n pen only with my eraser being the stub of eraser at the end of the mechanical pencil. cool. i survived.

but now...joy comes to naught coz i've no idea where my pencilbox is..y?? coz dlm rumah ni, wateva dat is lying around will neva, eva be safe. so, yea, wonder if my things inside de pencilbox is still intact. n so, i'm supposed 2 b asleep rite now. or so dat was wat sum1 told me 2 do. maaf. apparently, i din even bring home my integration notes. farhana terbawa balik. yea. juz as i was planning 2 study. =/ differential eqn...i'm sooo useless lah...haish...my notes kosong!!!! mcm mane tah nak revise...give up sudahlah...besok fail...ape susah?

even den, amidst my studies, my headaches, my frequent sakit perut, i still feel dat the bottom line is..i'm happy. yupz, i'm happy these days. n wen i'm happy, it's a little easier to control de volume of my voice. i tink. yea. heh. kla, shall slp now.

let my gp summary rot. n if anyone wants 2 offer me quick revision, juz gimme a call. de topic is differential equations. save me plz. or...at least...gimme de solutions 2 d examples in de notes...at least, i can figure out how 2 handle de questions..i hope.

aishk...too much dreaming never works.

i tink i'll go crazee coz of my irregular sleeping hours. man, it's bad 4 my health seh. i know my body cant relli take it wen i dun haf enuff rez. sumtimes i tink i'm an idiot. *shrugz*

anw, i've been having a lot of dreams relating 2 sch lately. dat shows how my mind relli is constantly thinking abt sch.

dreamz...'dun let it be juz a dream, make it a reality'-kim poh

cikgu faten expects an A from me for higher malay at A levels.

n personally i expect no less.

now, if onli i had de luxury of time.

i relli tink i shd learn how 2 max my time. which makes me wonder i i'm making a mistake by gg 2 sleep soon bcoz i can use dis time 2 do revision.

life is so complex.

oh n if u're wondering y i'm crazy enuff 2 tink of not gg sleep soon, it's bcoz i've gone 2 slp 4 at least 5 hours. yea, but i tink i shd rez. hmms...

wish i can gif up on maths but i know i'm not stupid n a huge part in me still believes i can do it. so, wat's hindering me from putting in my efforts in maths? failure? datz a stupid excuse.

now, y am i talking 2 myself?

i shall juz go 2 sleep. full stop.

btw, it's abt 1.30 am.

my blog is my lifeline...really...=)

anw, i juz finished watching teman anugerahku. tho ppl say it's a stupid show but well, it's my only form of entertainment currently. i juz kinda realised dat. n dat fazlynn character, is so freaking irritating!!! hmms...anw, besok ade physics tez. n i'm supposed 2 finish up hml essay, gp quiz plus revision 4 physics tez by 2nite. n it's gonna b 11. sumtimes i wonder y my brain functions like how itis. relli.

hmms...oh ya, juz now, i went 2 kepo2 go 2 de hall 2 find out abt de A level results. haish...cant imagine wat it'll b like nxt yr. so scary!!! i wish my name wd b called out nxt yr. datz my dream. n 2 get dat, i hafta work hard. of coz. dat goes without saying. which means lepas ni, i'm not supposed 2 sleep. i'm supposed 2 finish all de work dat i'm supposed 2 finish. yes.

my abg's results was fine. not gr8. but man...he got distinction 4 gp! datz like so...haix...yea..he got an A2. congratz abg...tho ur results not dat gd, its fine i guess. i still wished u had done better.

kla, gotta end my stories. moving forward with dis day 2 b remembered. release of a level results day. hopefully, it'll inspire me. i wish. n make me work harder. 2 fulfill my dream. haish...by a long shot man...kla, nitez world.