boo. i juz finished eating lunch. alone. heh. so..yea, i was juz thinking 2 myself...tahu2 jelah eh...i luv 2 think a lot kan?

so, i was thinking n i realised dat i relli dun feel kesunyian anymore. i dun feel lonely, i dun feel lost. it's been quite some time believe since i actually did feel dat way. n i was alone juz now summore. wat does dat show? =)

well, i'll take it as sumting positive. yepz. it's gr8 2 know dat i dun relli rely so much on my frenz as i used 2, yet at de same time, i haf a sense of security knowing dat i'll always haf dem wif me. hmms..sumting lddat lah i tink. point is, i dun feel lonely anymore. i haf a bunch of frenz dat im glad i haf. yupz. i dun resort 2 going chatrms anymore..haha...

used 2 go chatrms 2 ease my loneliness away u know..yea...now i dun need new frenz...coz my frenz r lovely enuff alredi. *smilez*

so...2 all my frenz...esp dose i'm very close to..plz..dun leave me...aitez? luv u peepz!

oh, yay! i finally mentioned de word luv after a freaking long time of not using it. i guess...i'm fully alrite now. =)

thank u everyone...i relli feel loved. n i hafta admit...i tink i'm very manja.

yeayeayea...i'm supposed 2 b asleep lah i guess..since it's almoz midnite..but apparently i'm not. yupz. i was doing a bit of chemical kinetics tutorial..tho i haven fully understood de thingy yet. cam berangan nak buat je. so, ah..ya, lum habis..but at least put in some effort..so, counts lah rite? heh..

hmm...maths...haish...i 'm at a loss as 2 wat 2 do 4 dis subject. serious bengang. n besok ade maths. juz hope i can keep myself awake for discrete random variables lecture bsk. high chances not since im not asleep yet.

argh bsk PE.

anw, i was thinking of studying some physics ah. pasal nxt wk ade tez. tapi sampai skarg lum touch. eargh.

den, i wanted 2 do skmm tutorial ah...abe, cam dah a bit 2 late ah actually. argh. perhaps shd not stayback 2moro oso.

hmms...i'm trying 2 find a photo dat wd depict my bez photo of tpjc. tapi....cant pilih....mcm dere r quite a few nice photos. oh. n i juz realised dat memories can hurt. coz i felt ouch while sifting thru de photos. aishk. i am sooo freaking sensitive n emotional.

ok, now, i shd go off b4 my parents come home. knw wat? i din even know dey were out at 1st den i realised dey were not in their rm or even anywhere in de hse. slow eh me? god. datz wat happens wen i c a storybk. can de ppl in my hse not borrow storybks from lib or at least keep dat hidden frm me? it distracts me frm my main purpose. almoz always.

oh ya, n juz now aft sch, i met my aunt ah coz she needed 2 pass sumting 2 me. so, she oso gave me dis bar of chocolate n i was like yay! i got a bar of choclate. fruit n nut summore. den i was very happy ah. tapi tadi cam syg nak makan ah...n oso pasal mcm dah kenyang from eating other things...so, i din eat it. brought home n den at abt 8 i rmmbrd de choc. so, tanak cair nye pasal, masukkan fridge ah. well, a moment later, my dad was eating it n offered some 2 my mum while asking whose one it is...i was like....it's mine....baru masukkan fridge. so, my dad gave me de remnants of de choc n told me 2 finish it right dere n den. haish...so much 4 saving de chocs for another day.

i luv chocs..but i prefer 2 make dem last...so dat de nxt time i buy de nxt chocs wun b sooo soon. dat way..more money wd b saved. makes sense? haish...i guess some things r juz nt meant 2 b.

*sighs* u know...even de photocopying machine dengki wif me.. juz now, during break, i went straight 2 de lib 2 photocopy my article 4 reading log.

1st photocopying machine-jammed...as in it jammed while i was using it. so, i wasted my credits in my photocopying card.
2nd photocopying machine-de moz idiotic one...basically, it printed de wrong way or sum sort n i din realised till i finished photocopying my article which was a few pages long n realised dat it only photocopied abt half de page 4 ALL. so, i was like...oh shootz. so, den i approached de library counter. n de librarian tried 2 figure out wat's wrong n used my card!!! n she printed out a few more pages!!! while she tried 2 change settings n sum stuff ah but de poin is...i wasted A LOT of credits juz on dis machine.
3rd photocpying machine-de librarian decided 2 try using de laz photocpying machine. n guess wat? It worked! but was i supposed 2 b happy? NO! coz i was late 4 claz n i've not photocopied my full article n de claz aft break was surprise, surprise, NOT. GP.

so, wif me feeling like crying, went out of de lib, almoz 4got my photocopying card which i alredi wasted so much credits thanks 2 all de photocopying machines in de lib n practically ran 2 my nxt claz venue at which upon arriving realised dat Mrs Varella was not dere yet. n during de claz...she sed, reading logs can b handed in 2moro. gif me a reason y i shdn b frustrated.

oh, n ya, i was so spaced out in my own world being angry dat i din even realised dat i was absenton fri. Mrs Varella wanted 2 c MC 4 all those who were absnt 4 any classes laz wk. luckily farhana reminded me.

haish...anyway, apart from losing money from my photocpying card, apparently, my FAVOURITE track pants pun lesap from my aunt's hse. i relli dono wat 2 feel wen she told me she din c my track pants coz 1stly, i'm alredi kind of imposing on her by sleeping over at her hse. 2ndly, i was trying 2 keep myself calm. 3rdly, i felt bad 4 asking. aishk. PE 2moro. n i've no complete set of PE attire. neva will for tuesdays unless i buy a new set.

haix..my favourite track pants gone...

oh, n weneva i'm over at sum1's hse. i always feel so useless n helpless. it's like sumtimes i haf de urge 2 help but i feel so stupid 4 not knowing wat 2 do, feel so idiotic 4 not daring 2 ask, feel so restless coz i'm being a useless bum. now, relli, i am a useless bum. urgh!

irritating. irritating. irritating. wat more can i say?

i dunno wat 2 say 2myself.

hello! i'm home!! haha...note de time...yes, i ponteng skola...*grinz* bad ah me? but my mum suggested it seh...i actually tanak but gave in coz i was feeling exhausted. den summore padahal i at khatib alredi. n i left de bus stop wen 969 arrived. heh. pasal 1st of all, dah mmg lmbt gi skola. moz prob sampai dlm kul 8 or 8+. den, 2ndly, sakit perut ah. n i can list de reasons y.

smlm, i din eat a proper lunch.
smlm, i din eat dinner.
tadi pagi tak makan breakfast. pasal dah rushing giler.

oh, btw, i was rushing like mad coz apparently i slept after solat subuh. so, biler bangun. ape lagi..dah lambat lah!

hmm...anw, 4got 2 mention abt my dream in my previous entries. de nite b4 yesterday, i dreamt dat i was going 2 tunang. like at abt dis point of time. n i agreed. i actually agreed! n yea, i was like happy2, malu2...like any normal gal wd feel b4 her majlis pertunangan i tink. ya, den...oh, i was supposed 2 tunang like a week after de guy asked. n den evry1 kept on asking n advising me within dat 1 wk whether i'm relli sure i wanna commit n all n watnot sampaikan 1 or 2 days b4 de majlis pertunangan, i began doubting myself if i shd go thru wif de plan. n den, i was tinking like it's so tak senonoh if i were 2 not go thru it on de day itself. tapi, it oso concerns my happiness...n so, dat was a dilemma dat i thankfully did not need 2 go thru it coz i woke up de day b4 my majlis pertunangan..yea..

n datz de story 4 dis morning...hehe...bye2!

haix...relli wonder where my mind has been 4 de past few days. i actually read de display tv wrongly smlm. how's dat possible seh??? k, lemme gif some background info. basically, smlm i was at d airport. den, i checked de display tv 2 c where my nenek atuk n all will b. my nenek, atuk, dad n my cousin, aqilah went 2 indonesia smlm. yea, so, i saw row 13. so, i happily went dere. saw dat no one was dere. tried calling my parents but couldnt get thru. so, i tot, hey...i'm early. n i waited. till my cousin reached n called me n i happily said 2 come 2 row 13. n den wen i checked de display board agn...guess wat it sed? ROW 2!!! aishk...n i was left wondering wat i saw. haix...my eyes muz haf been playing tricks on me. dat shd show how tired i relli am. n yea, i was supposed 2 sleep awhile n den wake up do my karangan. went 2 bed at 8. woke up at 9 i tink bcoz i couldnt sleep coz of so many distractions. switched bilik, n slept peacefully till abt 3.30 wen i sedar. was almoz gg back 2 slp wen sumtimg tugged at my brain n i woke up panicking dat i haven started on my karangan. yea, now, i'm almoz done wif it. say, onli abt 3 paragraphs left? yepz.

anw, yesterday, whilst walking 2 mlep, dis poster caught my eye. it sed... "crying everyday?" so, i looked at de poster n guess wat it sed? "You're in depression" n i was like...no, of coz i'm not in depression. den i was thinking dat heyy...no one in depression wd admit dat he/she is in depression. den i was like but i cant b in depression. n in d end i was like...am i in depression? k, is anitingi'm saying making sense? aishk...takpelah...i go off 1st. bye.

oh ya, dis is wat happens wen i'm home. i get distracted by d computer. yupz. i luv my aunt's hse. can go out at 7. aishk. kla, tata!

ARGH! *screams*

irritating!!! hmm...ya, guess wat? i made quite a significant mistake 4 my physics practical. tho i cant do aniting abt it but it was a tupid error i shdnt haf made. but as a whole, i guess physics SPA was ok. tho i doubt my sources of errors n improvements wd b accepted. mayb onli 1 or 2. boo. but heyy...i'm not supposed 2 put myself down. =)

hmms....mlep tez!!! it's finally over! BUT i made a grave mistake. i was supposed 2 talk abt Abdullah Sidek!!! n i wrote abt Abdul Rahim Kajai. idiot seh. i shd haf juz sed dat Harun Muhammad Amin was de penulis guru paling prolifik. ARGH! den, lepas tu i wrote dat Abdul Rahim Kajai wrote stuff on penyiasatan wen it was Abdullah Sidek was de one who did dat. but the moz irritating thing is dat i put Abdul Rahim Kajai as a penulis guru wn he was a penulis wartawan n i wrote abt his sumbangan!!! grrtz. k, takpe. datz too much info swimming in my head datz y dat happened.

oh, btw, i almoz cried in Maths. was trying not 2 let my tears fall. aishk. maths is juz soo discouraging. took up 2 periods of maths 2 complete onli 1 n half questions? i'm such a clever person, eh? i tak tahu ape lagi nak buat utk maths. evrything's juz going too faz 4 me. my integration aje belum pass2. mcm mane nak buat yg lain?

n now, i'm heading off 2 airport. my dad, nenek n atuk going 2 indonesia...yupz...so, byeee!

i've learnt dat i can do it.

anw, yea. no matter wat i muz neva lose faith in myself. datz de way 2 work. yupz.

u know...dis few days...it's like dere r times wen i feel freaking stressed out but yet at de same time, i'm not stressed out... it's juz dis feeling of like oh man...dere' sooo many things to do n i dunno where 2 start n feels like giving up but on d other hand, dere's juz dis thread dat is still clinging on to dat bit of hope dat u can pull thru. n datz how i relli, relli feel. no matter how many times i feel like giving up, i know i wun coz dere's so many ppl pinning their hopes on me. plus i dun wanna let myself down. deep down, i still believe i can do it. n 2 do it is 2 work hard. as simple as dat.

no. not as simple as dat. working hard is hard work. but anw, no matter wat, i oso haf 2 rmmbr dat Allah is 4eva wif me...yea. n i tink my jiwa is some sort of tenang tho i'm still wondering y i can soo freaking sensitive dis days. like tears can startfilling up my eyes 4 juz de slightest reason. but i cant breakdown. i can tear up but i cant cry. k, tho i cried d other day but alah...takpelah. tak tahu xplain.

hmms....anw, lemme talk abt college road run. yay!!! i got position 132!!! datz not bad ah seriously. plus i relli did my bez n i know i cant do any better than dat so i'm satisfied. =) 132...if onli i got 131...den it wd haf been palindromic. aishk...so wasted. yea. den dat day, i oso learn how 2 play pool. haha...hmm..yea, intresting...=)

oh ya, n dere was a gross event dat i wanted 2 talk abt but it's like so long ago...tak yah sudahlah eh..

hmms...den, oh ya, kim poh's bday. me n frenz went 2 katong 2 celebrate his bday. pastu kiteorg main bowling! haish...reminded me of de times i went bowling b4...reminded me of how fun bowling is. can go bowling agn onli after A levels. =/

btw, i dun like de library. tadi i went library n ended up borrowing a bk. NOT GOOD. coz i'm easily distracted. bleagh.

ok, hari ni entry dah panjang n i feel sleepy. i tink i shall sleep 4 awhile baru continue blaja. yea. yupz.

oh, fatin says i'm getting freakier. haha...relli, it's possible 2 haf passion 4 studying. juz haf faith in determination. as well as takmo tinggalkan solat 5 waktu. yea, coz datz de communication wif Allah! yea. insya-Allah, He will help 2 guide us. yupz. now, i've gotta go. happy2 evryone! smile n hmms....neva gif up n neva lose faith. =)

i'm home! haha...missed home man..

hmms...n my mum wants me 2 get off de comp alredi..=( guess i'll haf 2 update some time later.. aishk...i wanna pour my hearts out...still haven talk abt road run. bummer. kla, off i go!

besok ujian golongan penulis.

lusa chem SPA.

tulat physics SPA.

hidupku tersangatlah bez, betul tak? =)

hmms...i feel like twirling around. haha. k, anw, tak leh lame kat sini ah. simply 4 de reason kene blaja utk ujian2 di atas. yupz. starting wif mlep! n den chem! n den physics! peninglah nak buat study plan. i need sum1's help.

aitez. gotta start studying now....lincah amal! get ur ass off de seat!!!

my line of thoughts at abt 6.20 pm

And...life goes on...

I neva knew how much it could hurt even without being in relationships. Really, i feel like i'm losing faith in guys. Like i've met different kinds of people who in turn potray different kinds of characters and personality and some happen to break my trust, break my heart. Was it really just a game?

I dun tink i wanna dream anymore. I feel as though my child-like innocence has alredi been tainted or perhaps almoz ripped apart. I'm more exposed to the real world now. But I'll live. Of course. Not only live but feel stronger.

I'm no longer a princess. No longer part of a fairytale. N no longer waiting for prince charming.

I'm real. All flesh n blood. With brains, waiting to be used fully. Now, it's time to fulfill my goals..

haish...so much 4 not breaking...i'm crying rite now. i dun wanna lose my frenz...i wanna c dem promoted...

Anyway, i'm not in de mood to talk abt happy things or gross things. so, i'll leave those events till nxt time. n i relli shd start on my hmewk...

gosh. cant i do other things bside crying?

wow. i relli, relli cant blif i fell asleep in cikgu faten's claz. lemme describe wat happened. 1st of all, i had break. so, i had my normal dosage of food which was four slices of bread with nutella spread, kan? lepas tu, i decided i was still hungry, so, i shared money wif farhana 2 buy nasi wif all the lauk n stuff ah. so makan...den, ok, break over...time for lesson..

during lesson...alamak...dangernye...mataku terase tersangatlah berat...oh no...mcm mane kalau tertido? tries hard to keep awake n at de same time pay attn. so, kept nodding wen cikgu look at me n blabla...skali, at wat point of time, i suddenly fell asleep...like in s plit second, be4 i could realise...n cikgu was looking at me at dat time i tink so she was like, amal, n den my head started 2 droop 4ward n she realises dat i tertido so she was like 'AMAL!' n so i was like kinda terkejut n ya, bangun ah... n she said, 'tertido pulak..skarang saya tahulah mcm mane nak tidokan anak saya. saya buat kuliah ni dgn die.' gosh, i was freaking paisey lah...mcm mane tah boleh tertido..

moral of the story...break time tak leh mkn banyak2. stick 2 eating rice during lunch. yea. tak pernah2 seh tido during hml lesson. aishk.

anw, besok road run!! n spe makeup was irritating tadi. was so penat. kept on failing hitting the volleyball 10 times. hmm...

kla, dunno if i had any more cerite..but 4 now, i guess datz it...signing off...tata!

on the brink of...

ok mister...my tears fell finally. a little. coz i was talking 2 my parents...n my big-mouthed sis sed dat i wanted 2 quit school. n so, dey were asking me abt dat statement...n den i sed i was felling stressed n blabla..n so, the tears fell down.

haish..stressed...y am i stressed? u asked me dat while i sed i was stressed rite? ok, so dat made me think...n think...n think...so, perhaps i'm putting too high xpectations for myself...but i have reasons for doing so...dis A level examinations juz happen 2 mean a whole lot 2 me...i relli, relli wanna gif my all n gif my bez n do my bez...coz it's one of my laz chances 2 prove 2 myself dat i can do it...

psle was a fluke...whereas secondary school...dat was not my bez...n i know dat very well...i wasnt paying much attn in classes...studied laz minute for o levels...i juz did a whole load of things...dat rite now made me regret...coz now, i'm struggling wif maths...trying 2 keep up wif physics n chem, n trying 2 maintain my okness in hml.

argh! n i feel so stressed out coz..rite now...i'm onli trying 2 keep up wif my teacher...not doing revision yet...n my foundation is freaking weak...datz y i'm panicking...i juz need time to myself..gosh...i wish we can haf a whole wk of study break or sumting coz i'm going crazy. n relli, i dun tink i can cope wif a study group on sunday...i'll juz b digging my own grave doing dat.

dere's relli juz so much things on my mind...evryday, my mind is filled wif incomplete tutorials, backdated tutorials, overdued homework. n finishing overdued homework relli doesnt gif a sense of satisfaction. i mean. usually, wen u're done wif sumting u'll b like...yay! finally it's done! but juz dis morning, wen i finished my overdued karangan i was like, ok, it's done now i hafta move on 2 chem pract...

n nxt wk is both physics n chem SPA! i'm not prepared for both. not confident i will by next wk too...n my head was practically swimming wif qns juz now while i was trying 2 do chem...oh goodness...help me...

i'm at a loss. but i'm still not breaking down. wen will i? *shrugz* i juz feel like hiding in a hole..sighs...quote from dad.."wat happened 2 ur dreams? where's ur drive to work?"

=/ someone answer dat qn 4 me. now, back 2 my never-ending tutorials...n i'll drown. in my own sea of questions.

*sighs deeply*

i almoz wished i could quit school..

well, i was juz tinking yesterday...how much i've relli changed n i realised one change dat is quite prominent.. laz time, i used 2 b real dependent on my frenz...i'm 4eva trying 2 keep in touch wif all my frenz, trying 2 make new frenz, trying 2 maintain frenships n watnot...but i realised dat now...i dun relli care so much abt dat...de evidence--> well, wen was de laz time i actually called a fren juz 2 talk? i actually cant rmmbr. n relli, i used 2 call khai like almoz evryday...n now, i dun. datz relli sumting. plus i hardly go msn 2 chat..n i oso kinda malas 2 visit frenster alredi. de point is...i dun make much effort in trying 2 keep in touch wif my frenz anymore. n datz sad. tapi i dun haf much time.. mcm evryday busy...hmms...

so, lemme juz say im sorry 2 all my frenz...sorry if i kinda drifted away...yea..

juz felt like making my presence known at dis hour at dis minute at dis second. heh. i feel like going back 2 slp...wanna do hmework but apparently my bag is in de rm...fell bad 2 wake sum1 up juz bcoz of my work not done...*sighs* i need 2 do my carboxylic acids tutorial!!

kla, shall try 2 find my bag in de dark. i've wasted almoz an hour on de comp...tsktsk...datz me. padahal baru ckp...tahun baru nak fulfill new year resolutions. ape seh amal. hmph! bye!