ah~i'm finally home agn...i tink home wd b like an awaited place from now on...hmms...i'm still wondering...whether i shd spend my bday at home...coz mon is usually a day i wd sleep at my aunt's hse...hmms...tapi cam geng deng ah my bday tak jumpe family...hmmss...

anw, yay!!! i'm home! heh...trust amal 2 b excited 2 b home...=) oh yea, so...let's c.....dere's like a gazillion things dat i wanted 2 blog abt since like a long time ago. sighs...how i wish bsk takde skola...skarg ni rase cam as if it's not a sch nite. hehe...coz slalunye i'm asleep by now...nilah padah ade computer...i will use de comp instead of sleep or study.

la di da~ spending a day wif khai....
i spent de d afternoon aft sch wif khai 2day. happyhappyhappy. such a long time since i relli sat down wif her or even study wif her. den i realised like dere's relli many things dat i dun quite mention 2 her...so, we kinda caught up a bit wif each other. plus i revised nitrogen compounds agn. whee~ kalau masih tak ingat pape...haix...serious nasib ah...

so, anw, twas my 1st time gg 2 wdlnds point. hahakz...khai was like...kau tak pernah gi sini? haix...kesiannye hidupku....apelah yg ku buat selame ku hidup ni ye?

oh yea, i had physics tez 2day. haix...i'm freaking horrible at physics lah..dunno how 2 study....so, erms...i gave up halfway. tu ah..pandai sgt. lepas tu ah...buat tez tak cukup markah utk pass pun. nampak sah my answers pun tak semue yg betul so, conclusion..paham2 je lah. fail rabak. oh wells. i tink im used 2 dat. BAD. amal is not supposed 2 gif up.

aishk. i lost my fighting spirit. which brings me 2 de subject of change. was talking 2 khai abt it in de bus on de way 2 wdlnds. yea. basically, frm laz yr till now, i've relli changed a lot. n change means drastic changes n not juz change...i mean twas rather gradual...i mean de change din all come at one go...but as time passes by, i relli c myself being very different now. indeed as sum1 put it, i used 2 b much more cheerful n all. n i agree. i used 2 think dat i was a cheerful gal. who loves 2 smile n all...but now...kirim salam 2 dat thought. n i used 2 b very, very talkative. need verification? ask khai. i used 2 talk 2 her on anything under the sun. abt me, my feelings, my life, my frenz, my conversations...literally juz aniting under the sun n i used 2 live in de past a lot...daydream a lot...n i dunno...i juz lived in a fantasy world of my own. as how sum1 else put it. now, hmm...now...i bottle up things a lot n build tension in myself...mcm maner lah i tak senang marah? tension byk sgt....

in other ways...well, i can c dat i'm trying 2 put in some effort to my studies like...i do try more ah dis yr..but of course it's not enough...n nowhere near sufficient yet. i need more n more effort. n well, i cry less easily now. which is not dat gr8 for me coz one of my outlets in releasing my tension is 2 cry n so by not crying, i'm juz accumulating more n more tension in me. n i freaking hate de feeling of how things seem 2 drive me crazy but at de same time, i know i've not gone bonkers n still haf dat little bit of capacity to withstand dat craziness tho i juz feel like i'm alredi at my breaking pt. haix...susahlah nak xplain.

n so...wat else? well, wateva itis, i know i've changed a lot. oh n i've oso learnt 2 let go of de past. i dun go back 2 often now. i seldom do actually. n yea, i now live in reality, in some sort. how i wish life was much simpler.

oh, n a scary thing...i feel as if i'm trying 2 block a lot of ppl out of my lives...seriously...if i continue trying 2 avoid evryne, i'll end up wif no frenz...but i juz cant help de feeling. i feel like people r trying 2 suffocate me or sumting, so my reaction is to push them away. as simple as dat.

haix...n i feel so bad n petty coz of some things...well, u c, i juz feel stressed out dat people make comments dat r moz usually true n kinda laugh at me in a way. well, i know in moz times, it's not meant 2 offend. but the tone of de voice may b hurtful. n k, fine, i tried my bez not 2 take heed of the comments. relli, i tried..i tried ignoring...but wat do u do wen sum1 is almoz always wif u such dat u cant juz ignore de person...or like wen dere's frequent comments...it kinda juz accumulates in me n after a while i juz cant take it anymore....wat do i do den? explode in front of de person? i'm relli trying not 2 explode. patience...argh...it's torture.

oh yea, dat's another change...i used 2 juz take things...get hurt for dat moment...dat day...wateva...n 4get abt it by de nxt wk or sumting...but now...i cant....wen i try 2 ignore...den like, it's still in me u know...n wen de comment gets repated or overtaken by another comment...it juz feels argh...

oh ya, n how wd u feel wen u dun usually pay attn in lectures n tutorials n wen u finally do, sum1 juz comes n borrow ur notes 2 copy coz dat person tak pay attn....do u know how heart-wrenching i feel weneva i haf 2 lend sumone my notes...dat i painstakingly ried staying awake? man...i feel bad 2 say no but relli, wen i do not copy notes...i feel so freaking malu 2 ask from ppl...even the person closest 2 me....n if i haf incomplete notes, well, d only person 2 blame is me. but oh yea...people can juz copy from me wen i was trying hard 2 pay attn. haixx....perhaps i'm making a big molehill out of nothing but i relli need 2 let it out of my system wat i relli am feeling. i relli feel bad at times by feeling dis way coz i feel so selfish...but relli....i hardly stay awake for a full lecture or tutorial. datz a pengakuan. a fact.

i need vitamins.

so, wat else can i say? its 10.51pm n im feeling sleepy. cant think of wat more 2 say or complain. but after all, i'll haf 2moro, saturday, n sunday 2 still blog. =) yea. i luv u blogspot. heh. nitez all!